Drugging Dream

Its been a few years now since my last drug dream. I will be 11 years clean this july2nd and since then I have had 4 or 5 vivid drugging dreams. Early on in my recovery, in one of my first dreams, It seemed as if I had no recovery program at all. When a drugging friend came, I automatically closed all the windows to my room. Later on I remember, in one of my dreams, one of my counselors in rehab found me scraping off the residue of the cyrstal meth in the folded foils I used to keep hidden around my room. In my most recent dream, which occurred 2 nights ago, I was trying to manage my drugging by going on binges then stopping, trying to live a normal life trying to hide my drug use. In my dream, I woke up and realized that it had just been a dream. It all seemed so real and I was thinking, did I really do that? When did I do that? Then I realized I was still in a dream and then I woke up. I guess this was probably the sharing of this person who had been coming a few times to the NA meetings in Baguio. It seemed from this person's sharing that he was still hoping that somehow he could still manage his using but on the other side, the unmanageabilities were catching up to him and the desire to stop was becoming an attractive choice.
Yesterday, while I was buying notebooks for my son in SM, the thought of what it would be like to take a toke or two of weed suddenly struck me.
The drug dream plus the thought of the weed is all a reminder to me, that no matter that I have been clean for almost 11 years, the fact is I am an addict. I cannot forget that my addiction is a cunning disease waiting to resurface in one form or another. I cannot forget the hell and the lousy and pathetic life I had in my active addiction. I cannot compare and will not exchange the serenity and gratitude I have
for the simple and happy life I have now. I thank God and Jesus for my beautiful life. The blessings just keep coming, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. So long as I follow His way, I have nothing to fear. Stay clean and fit everyone.

Self-Examination

...we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
Alcoholics Anonymous, p.86
I believe in God, specially because I was brought up in a Catholic school. But I learned that believing is not enough. It has been said in the scriptures that faith without works or action is dead. Growing up, getting married, separated and divorced from my wife, all I knew was to pray for help to keep my children safe and healthy. However, I really never knew or realized the full extent of how God could help me face life or face my addiction.
The turning point in my recovery was when I admitted that I was powerless in dealing with my addiction and that I needed help. I then learned to believe that God could straighten out my life and then decided that I will let Him run my life.
In the beginning it wasn't easy since I was so used to my self-will, but with awareness and practice, I got the hang of it and practiced it daily and in all aspects of my life. As my clean time grew longer and I began learning the rest of the other steps, I began to ask Him help in removing my other character defects, specially those that I had so gotten used to, like anger, laziness, self-pity, and lust for women other than my wife. These I prayed for everynight for 2 years and occasionally up to now most specially when I realize that the enemy is attacking my mind. It is so easy for me to become complacent and relapse in my behaviour, I have to constantly be aware of my feelings and thoughts.
Lately I have been asking Him to guide me and asking what He wants me to do for Him and at the same time asking for guidance on things that I should do or shouldn't do. I also need to be aware if I have a hidden or other agendas for doing certain things. If these things will not glorify Him then I have to watch out and re-examine my motives.